Saturday, June 27, 2009

Ms.Lady on Internet Dating - "Not For Me!"

I’ve only been a single lady for about 5 years. I got married right after high school and I never really xperienced "the single life". But, as circumstance unfolded I became a single lady after about 20 years of being married.

Ok, so what does that mean? It is a little different being, let's say mature and single versus young and single. See, I think when you are older and newly single, you have an idea that you’ve missed life and now it is time to make up what you missed. My thought was: I am not interested in making up what I missed but I will enjoy life and date a little. At this age I really am not interested in drama. You get the picture... occasionally dating, hanging with the girls and social events. Ok, so now I have a plan.

One day as I was sitting at home watching TV. I was overwhelmed with eharmony and dating commercials. Mmmmmm. I'd chatted with some people about the sites and you always hear a story about 'someone’s sisters-cousin-friend' met their husband online and they are still together. So I decided to take the plunge.

I entered my most recent picture and profile. I immediately got all kind of hits. So, what do you do? How do you decide which ones to calls? Mmmmm. Ok I was very picky. I chose a nice looking guy, with a nice profile and similar interest. We met and who in the hell was that? His picture had to be about 15 years ago and when he was 70lbs lighter! Damn.

Well, since I am not shallow, I decided he was still alright, but he still was not the profile fella. Anyway, he was nice, very attentive, and girls, let me tell you that toe-sucking ,back-cracking fella could take you to a whole new level, if you know what I mean. Just what I needed for my first newly-divorced escape.

Time went on and we really got to know each other. Or should I say I really got to know him!You know you really don’t really know a person because they can tell you what they want you to know. Long story short, that joka was looking for a sugar mama. Shit, I knew that would not work because I was looking for a sugar daddy! lol He did not have a job, (lying ass); two young kids, (that is a big NOT); and he was sorry as hell!

What did I learn? You can’t judge a book by its cover; you really don’t ever know anyone until you know them. But life is a chance and you still have to keep going. Right? But I must admit that I do I miss that slip, slapping, back-cracking SEX! lol

Ok, I decided to give it another try. This time, with another nice middle aged gentlemen. He was very handsome, divorced, and we even shared the same ideas about life. We decided to meet at a restaurant with a bar. At the bar I spotted him before he spoted me. So far, he looked the same as his profile. Ok, I breathed an audible sigh of relief and walked over to the bar and sat down beside him. When he turned to face me, he recognized me and gave me this big ass smile... His whole front damn grill is gold and glittering! AUGH…

Now I don’t consider myself to be shallowby no means, but your ass is 50 damn years old with a gold glittering grill... with initials! OH HELL NO!

His profile of a year ago did not include the grill, I asked him was it one that you slip on and his response was : “Naw sista I treated myself for Christmas and got the hook up." Treated your damn self? No my brother you jacked you ass up! (How about that!!)

Needless to say, I could not get past the grill; I could not even listen to him. I was blinded by the gold. We chatted for a few more minutes then I made up some excuse to leave. I had to let playa go!

I decided right then Internet dating was not for me. It was too uncertain and full of surprises that I was not prepared for at this stage in my life. For me, it offered false hopes, deception, and unnecessary drama. I’ve decided to just let it happen naturally and when I meet someone, we will go from there.

Well, I did meet someone and we are currently is a relationship! I met him ‘naturally’ or face-to-face, should I say. In this relationship I am taking it one day at a time. Is the relationship perfect? No, but that initial drama and deception did not exist.

My thoughts on being single are: 1) It gives you some freedom – without any strings; 2) It allows time for you to get yourself together and determine what you really want in life and in a mate. I know I don’t need a guy to complete me or pay my bills even though I said I was looking for a sugar daddy; everybody needs a little help from time to time. But I do appreciate a brother that is generous, kind, and genuinely concerned about me! And this one is! And I didn't need the Internet to meet him!

Ciao' Until Later…

Ms. Lady

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Single Ladies Gotta Do What They Gotta Do

It is hard out here for a single lady.

I thought I was long done with married men. Just sick of them. Ultimately, they are selfish bastards who just want to have their cake and eat it to. While I have had a couple of good relationships and actually developed deep feelings for some of the married men in my past (I’d like to think the feeling was mutual), the bottom line is, they used me to a purpose and I used them for a purpose. They wanted a little variety, spice, and stimulating conversation. I wanted companionship, attention, and a few duckets when times got rough. It worked out perfectly as long we both understood our roles.

Then things began to change for me. As I approached my 35th birthday, I started to grow weary of being the ‘lady on the side’. It was time to let that go and get back to the real me, whom I managed to put aside long enough to get over the passing of my husband. It was good while it lasted, but it was time to move on.

And I was moving on very well, too. I dated a couple of guys before I finally lost my taste for hanging out, casual relationships, and quite frankly, settling for far less than I deserve. So, for the last 4 months, I haven’t been dating at all. And what a relief I find it to be.

Until recently… Even in all of my self-satisfaction and realization, I found myself in a serious financial bind. I mean serious. I really needed some money to handle an important issue that I could not get out of. I didn’t have any place to turn. My parents couldn’t come to my rescue; my girlfriends have issues of their own. What to do, what to do?

I left a message for one male friend who I thought could help me. He didn’t call me back. I mentioned to another one that I needed some money. His dismissed it, “Awe, you don’t need no money.” I just said, “Ok. Thanks.”

Yes, I do need money, but I’m not going to beg for it. Yes, I am a serious sista; I do very well for myself for the most part. But everybody needs a little help from time to time. And who wants to be marginalized and degraded when asking for help?

After that conversation, I actually found myself feeling such despair that I cryed out audibly, “How did I let myself get in this situation?” Never again, I vowed.

Then, he just happened to call. The married man that has been pursuing me for quite some time. The one I can’t stand. For the most part, I avoid his calls. But from time to time, but I indulge him and talk to him. This was one of those times.

We chatted for a minute, then I just got straight to the point. I told him about my situation and asked him to make me a loan of a few hundred bucks until things turn around for me. He agreed, as I knew he would. I felt relief with the thought of being able to handle my obligations, the ones that woke me up 4:30 in the morning the night before.

We agreed to meet later that day. I made sure he understood that this was not a ‘sale’, but an indefinite loan. In no way does the money obligate me to anything, other than pay him back. He agreed and sounded offended when I even mentioned it. I know, I know. But I had to say it.

After I got off the phone with him, I called my older girlfriend, who is also single. I broke down in tears when I told her that I had to borrow money from a man that I don’t even like; that’s how financially strapped I was. True to the rock of sensibility she has always proven to be, she told me it was ok.

“Girl, you gotta do what you gotta do,” she said. “When you don’t have anyone to turn to, you gotta make a way the best that you can. I have been there. You are not the first one and you will not be the last woman to have to ask a man for help when she don’t want to. Just make sure he knows that you are asking him as a friend, and nothing more. If he even hints at anything else, you just leave the money there and we’ll find another way. Otherwise, take the money and handle your business. Pay him back when you can.”

She told me to stop beating myself up. And I did. But I am also making a plan and another vow. Starting with my very next paycheck, I am putting $20, if nothing more, aside in a savings account for myself. Just like Discover, AT&T, and the mortgage company get theirs, I’m going to get mine. I don’t ever want to feel this kind of despair again.

But meanwhile, I gotta do what I gotta do.